.scairtime.

"The number one fear of people isn't dying, it's public speaking."
- American Gangster
"According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy."
- Jerry Seinfeld

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you know me, i don't like talking.
it has always been.
when i took them language courses, i had to consider each classroom scene and me talking in class.
i thought, maybe, it's time to change things.
for the past 2 semesters, i've had a total airtime way more than what i had in the rest of my college years.
growing up, i wasn't the kind of student who likes reciting and reporting.
i was more of the listener.
i wasn't either the kind who asks questions.
i was a silent learner who'd rather seek answers on my own.
when i first enrolled in a language class, i know i had to overcome this fear i call public speaking.
i dreaded going to classes because i knew my name was going to be called.
i had no choice but to open my mouth and use them vocal chords.
i was always scared because it wasn't my comfort zone.
i even had to sit in the most strategic location just to be nearest to the professor.
i would always take the front row not to look interested but to avoid talking louder.
i would only talk when asked to.
i never raised my hand to offer answers.
sometimes i regret it but most of the time i'd just let it pass.
but last time was different- in a non-language class.
i had this question already but when asked if i had anything to ask, i just shook my head.
it bothered me since.
it made me realize that i was still scared after all and haven't really overcome this fear.
i had the chance but i chose to keep quiet.
and i knew i would never get another chance.
it kinda broke my heart.
maybe, i wasn't made for a big crowd.
maybe, i will always be scared.

◊◊◊

i know, though, that i was never afraid of conversations.
it's just that i would always look for an intimate and real one.
and i could never get that in a classroom setting.
never.